A Little Positivity Without the Empty Words

Truthfully, it’s so much nicer for everyone if more people would shut their faces. Maybe if they listened to what people are actually saying instead of filling in their twisted interpretation. I get that we want to stand up for those who can’t stand up for themselves. Perhaps we should be helping them find their voice instead of silencing others. 

I’m not a very positive person. 

I try to be hopeful. I try to look for the positive in every situation. I’m normally pretty convinced it’s all useless most of the time. Depression sucks. The fact is that I’m surrounded by negative input. Facebook is probably something that I should avoid for the sake of my mental health. The fact is that my friends are mostly online. Online friends are real friends. I can’t invest too much in FB because I can’t repeat past mistakes. I fear becoming too involved with people who are not immediately involved in my every day life. It was a decision that I made a long time ago to protect myself from people.

Why is every article seeming to be about how not to speak to people?

It gets old seeing article after article about what others don’t want, I shouldn’t say, etc. I personally don’t give a crap anymore about what people say to me or want from me. Those close to me would hopefully speak up for themselves and not rely on a random article to express to me that I share my opinion too often, blow my nose at the wrong times, or generally annoy them. The worst imo are the articles about what not to say to specific groups (women, men, children, the disabled, etc) Stuff it in your fluffy ear. I now know more about how not to interact with the world than what I should say. Apparently not speaking is preferred by the majority of individuals.

If you can’t say anything nice, smile and walk away.

Truthfully, it’s so much nicer for everyone if more people would shut their faces. Maybe if they listened to what people are actually saying instead of filling in their twisted interpretation. I get that we want to stand up for those who can’t stand up for themselves. Perhaps we should be helping them find their voice instead of silencing others. You don’t know how awful it is to be the person no one knows how to speak to. They are afraid to say anything for fear of saying the wrong thing. Only assholes with no sense of social niceties are willing to say something. Then the insensitive crap they spout is unbelievable while everyone stands mute around you giving tacit approval by not speaking up or saying something after the fact about what a twat that person was. I suspect these are the people going home and writing articles about what not to say because they have no idea what to say. They just know that you shouldn’t talk to people like that.

Speak Sincerely.

That’s all I want. Sincerity. A little honesty is nice too. When you speak to anyone, be sincere and honest. If you find that difficult, try therapy. It helps. People of all kinds enjoy kind words when they come from a place of truth. It hurts more to be told empty compliments or insincere well wishes. When I tell someone to have a nice day, I really hope they do. If I tell someone that I’m thinking positive thoughts for them, I really am. If you aren’t sure what to say, think of something positive, true, and sincere. Can’t go wrong with that. If all you can think of is negative or empty platitudes, maybe best to keep walking.

Have a great day everyone!

Doing That Which Once Seemed Impossible

I believed that I could not seek help with my inner turmoil because I would be taken away from my family.

At one time not that long ago, this would not have been incorrect. Psychiatric practices have changed greatly. Inpatient care is reserved for those in danger of hurting themselves or others. I was so scared of being locked away that I lied to doctors who only wanted to help. I suffered through bad psychological effects of medications because I hadn’t been up front with those prescribing. Anti-depressants are used for more than treating mood disorders. Many medications have psychological side effects. Not seeking treatment for depression and suicidal thoughts can lead to unforseen consequences when these medications are prescribed for neurological or physical ailments which are seemingly unrelated.

If you need help, please seek it from a professional.

There is no shame in seeking help. The stigma exists. This is true. You don’t have to tell anyone that you are undergoing treatment except your doctors. It is a private process that is made easier with a support network. I encourage anyone who feels like their problems are too deep or too much to burden others with to reach out to those closest to them. I think they may be surprised at how much understanding there is from those who love them. If you are surrounded by people who are abusive or gaslighting, you need to find help to escape that situation. I’ve been there. I now understand that much of my fear was manufactured by those who wished to control me. They said that it was to protect me and keep me safe. I did remove myself from that situation.

I have done so many things that I thought were impossible.

I never thought that I could live on my own. I certainly never thought that I would own my own home in my name. I believed that I was no better than a child. I thought that I was useless. I struggle daily with self-care and self-love because of the things that I was convinced to be true about myself. I’m finally seeking psychiatric help from professionals who are willing and determined to help me. I need this to continue to grow as a person. It is never too late to pursue bettering oneself. I want to be healthier for myself. I also need to be healthy for that time when my kids will need me to help them grow as young adults. I can only lead by example in life.

I hope that anyone suffering in silence can find help so that they can feel at peace. I want them to have hope. It can get better. It may never be perfect. Life is worth living and so full of wonder. Depression steals joy. Toxic people steal your sense of self. With help, we can overcome.

Personal Success

I don’t always succeed at any of these things and that’s ok. I am not going to always meet my goals. That doesn’t make me a failure. Having these successes that would be routine for someone else doesn’t make me less of a person.

I cannot stress enough the importance of success being a personal thing. Your successes are unique to you.

Accepting that I am disabled has been difficult. I don’t want to be disabled. Who would wish for that? I am in constant pain. I have to go to doctors monthly, if not weekly at times. I have to schedule my appointments around my limited income. Two specialists a month is my limit. I eat on $50 a month to make this possible. There are times like this month that I have to make an exception and buy more food and household items in the interest of health and sanitary living.

My success is being able to afford to spend that extra on food. It is cleaning the kitchen or bathroom. My success is being able to work more than a couple of hours in a day. My success is earning enough to support myself and be able to pay all of my bills without asking anyone for help. My success is asking for help before things are beyond help.

I don’t always succeed at any of these things and that’s ok. I am not going to always meet my goals. That doesn’t make me a failure. Having these successes that would be routine for someone else doesn’t make me less of a person. I am just as valuable. Some days, I walk without a cane or walker. On those days, I look like everyone else. My illness is invisible. My disability is hidden. People don’t know how hard it is for me to pull a door open or right myself after a stumble. They don’t know that for me, it is a moderate exercise to walk through the store. I have more of these days some times and I have less other times. 

Comparing your successes with the success of others is not healthy. Everyone has different circumstances and situations. I’ve found that people who make a habit of comparing in this way are of two types. 

Those who compare themselves to figures that had a far different opportunities or abilities. Such as the ice skater who quits skating because they are unable to match the technical expertise of an Olympian after years of practice on weekends. The academic who feels inadequate when compared to those who have been studying and publishing papers for decades before them. 

Then there are those who only compare themselves to those in worse circumstances. Some do it with a positive attitude in that they are doing better than the less fortunate and choose to help those individuals when possible. Some do it with more negativity and look down on those who have not reached their personal idea of success. This gives them a feeling of superiority over others. Those who are positive normally acknowledge that those less fortunate than themselves weren’t given the same opportunities and tools to reach their goals. The negative individuals take pride in the things that brought them their successes and avoid comparison with more successful individuals, even in social situations. 

Acceptance of your skills, tools, and opportunities is part of personal growth. You are the only one who can seek out ways to build new skills, open new doors, locate new tools and resources. Accepting your present circumstances doesn’t mean giving up on growing and learning. Disrespecting yourself and disregarding your success will only hurt you. Be kind to yourself. Accept yourself. Love who you are. Appreciate your accomplishments as success. 

I personally feel that we should support one another in finding success. Particularly our younger generations are struggling daily. Instead of judging, let’s hold up our family and friends. Let’s show more compassion in general. I’ve been told that I am an idealist who wishes that socialism worked. I’ll take that over being cruel, dismissive, or apathetic over the struggles of those I love. 

Be Understanding. Be Present. Be Compassionate. 

New Beginnings

I’m looking forward to the New Year already. I’m sure that a lot of people are with me on this one. 2016 has been a ball buster. We’ve lost so much and I feel like all that we have gained is that experience that is supposed to build character. I don’t feel like I need more character. Then again, I can’t really stop the process, so I will roll with it.

I’m excited about New Beginnings. There are things that are coming together in my life that I couldn’t have imagined three years ago. I’m starting new businesses and pursuing my art. I’m going to try to sell it, although I am not going to stress over whether or not it sells. I am doing it for me. I am creating art that expresses how I feel and allow me to work through the stress of everyday life. I have enough issues without adding to them.

If you want to take a peek at my website, it is a disaster at the moment. Be Prepared. FSKStudios.com

I hope that anyone who stumbles across my blog has an awesome Holiday Season and Happy New Year.

christmas-tree-2016

 

Armoring Up for Christmas

I am getting myself mentally, emotionally, and physically prepped for Christmas. I generally hate Christmas. This year I am strangely excited for it. Which can mean only one thing, crushing disappointment. Depression on Christmas is normal. Usually I cry it all out on Christmas Eve and put on the happy face for everyone the next day. This year I am staying home with my cats. No facade. No pretending to like presents that I hate…. because I despise getting presents (unless they are so amazing that I want I pee myself). It may be that I prepare for the worst and end up being pleasantly surprised by not being all that upset. Unlikely, there is hope though.

I grieve on Christmas for the things that are no longer.

Why is that? I have no idea. It has been that way since my teens. I cried over the loss of Christmas when I was in high school as we no longer celebrated. Then I was so excited when I was 18 to celebrate with my new family… only to be terribly disappointed later. Ultimately, it was my time in that house that destroyed Christmas forever. It wasn’t their fault as it all rested on me and my choices that created the situation.

TEACH YOUR CHILDREN LIFE SKILLS!!!!! Save them from the disappointment that destroys Christmas Joy!

That’s right people. My lack of understanding of how the world worked was what destroyed my child-like wonder. It wasn’t the other way around. If I had understood that Christmas Miracles weren’t made up of socks, pajamas, and underwear, my life would have been much better. Ok…. for other people it would have been toys, ummm…. cool stuff that other people got and valued. I was super excited for the things I got because I didn’t own many of them at the time. That’s right… LIFE SKILLS would have gotten me a job that would have allowed me to buy my own socks, underwear, and Pj’s. Maybe I wouldn’t have been as bowled over by them. Don’t lie to your kids. Let them know that YOU WORK HARD for the gifts they receive. Otherwise, they think that they just appear with Christmas Magic from Santa Jesus. Be honest and be supportive instead of feeding into Christmas being a time of overspending and greedily receiving. I am not interested in presents. Most people buy completely useless gifts so that they can feel good about having bought them. I’m not into that at all. I would rather they skip the gifts for me and buy themselves something nice (assuming that they don’t do that the other 364 days).

Christmas Should be a Time of Wonder, Love, Sharing, and Family.

The presents should be the last concern. Spending time with the people that you love should be the most important part of the season. Emphasize enjoying your time together. Your precious kids will only be small for so long before they start resenting you and wishing that you would leave them alone. Enjoy their young years gathered around the tree and the dinner table. Your Elders won’t be there forever either. If you hate your family with a burning passion, find a new one of your own making. Invite your friends that you know are alone to join you for festivities. Or spend it alone like I am going to do, eating all the Royal Dansk cookies yourself because fuck everyone else. Honestly, my family has their own stuff going on. I give up on trying to run around and I no longer drive. I want to be able to enjoy my little house and little tree before I stuff it back in the box. My little house is too small too leave it up like I normally would. I want to move my easel downstairs into the warmth. My fingers have been too cold to paint upstairs.My Christmas present to myself will be giving myself the ability to get back to painting. I have an entire website waiting for paintings that I can sell.

Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, Happy Yule, Happy Holidays!!!!! Have Wonderfilled Day!

 

 

 

Being Happy Has Been On My Mind

Thanks to a Beautiful Lady, Mary England, I have been thinking about happiness quite a lot lately. The thing is that I would never have expected to find happiness in the way that I have. My happiness isn’t the same as yours. And that is OK. I should say that again for emphasis.

My happiness is not the same as yours. And that is OK.

I allowed others to dictate to me the definition of happiness. Their version sucked. I hated it. I felt stifled, suffocated, utterly miserable while they were content with themselves. I made some unpopular decisions to get here. Some of the consequences of pursuing my own happiness were unexpected. I met with some harsh feelings from others. I’ve dealt with most of it with a firm smile and determination. I did what was best for me and my kids. Stick with what you  know to be right for you.

I’m happy even when I’m alone.

I never thought that would happen. I had always believed that people were my happiness. They are part of it. They are not the source of it. I dislike being around people sometimes. They are upsetting, loud, hurtful…. and also kind, amazing, supportive. Some people are all of those things at once. There’s no shame in that. It is what makes a family. I have learned to take time for myself. I relax. I paint. I don’t often write blogs, obviously.

I’m not bragging. I’m sharing my experience.

I can’t tell you what you need to be happy. Only you can know that. I’m happy because I worked hard and took risks. I did what I was told not  to. I thought only of what was best for me. My kids deserve to see what happiness looks like. Someday, I hope that they have it. I hope that they look at themselves and realize that they are happy. Because that’s how it happens.

You work and work. Then one day you see what you made. Hopefully it will make you happy. ❤

If you want to read more about happiness, Go to uncustomary.org

Forgiveness is Not Absolution

You can forgive someone without absolving them of responsibility for what they did.

I have been through horrendous abuse, rape, and neglect. There is a lot of anger in my heart. I am bitter. I suffer from PTSD. I am often anxious. Anxiety affects the darnedest things. I find that when I am the most anxious, I am the most aggressive. I get angry and I use hurtful language. I try to repel people so that they won’t hurt me when I am the most vulnerable. I am not going to say that any of this is the right way to be. I’m not going to advocate that being pissed off at the world and verbally abusing my husband is the correct behavior. I’m going to say that I know that this is who I am. This is a part of my personality that has been there for as long as I can remember. I was also beaten from the beginning of my memories of being older than a toddler. I moved from one abusive household to another. Although the abuse was clearly different, it was still abuse. I live in fear now. No one can save me from that. I find it difficult to forgive my abusers, but I have in more than one case. The anger and hate towards that person isn’t worth the price that I pay for it.

Abusers will continue to abuse. It is what they do. It is in their nature.

I will not allow my abusers back into my life. Forgiveness doesn’t wash away their sin. I am not Jesus. I was a scared, unworldly, trusting girl who didn’t realize that I was trusting the wrong people. I was staying in situations which I found comfortable and even comforting. Being hit, threatened, and screamed at were so common for me. Violence equated to love in my mind. I love violent and volatile men. The difference between then and now is that in my relationship with my husband, I am the abuser. He has forgiven me. He has absolved me in his mind of all guilt because he takes all of that for himself. Yes. He did make mistakes. Those mistakes never harmed me physically. Emotionally, my relationship with him was brutal. We would destroy each other regularly. We were children who were unable to form a healthy bond with anyone. Healthy or not, ours was unbreakable. Our separation and his prison sentence didn’t diminish our bond at all. It has made it necessary for us to work on our relationship in a real way. Today, we are healthier than we have ever been. Unfortunately, that doesn’t mean that I am not abusive. It means that when I am, we deal with it as a couple. He understands where the anger the comes from because he was there when I was quietly suffering through abuse. He didn’t know enough as a teen to recognize what was happening to me. He didn’t know why I changed. He only knew that he loved me and would accept me no matter what I said or did. It hurts my heart to know what I have done to him, just as much as he hurts for what he put me through. He hates that I kept secret what others were doing to me. I thought that I was protecting him by sacrificing myself. Those people couldn’t get to him if I just stayed quiet. Unfortunately, I was wrong. They found a way to use me against him and he never said a word.

The consequences of abuse are not always obvious. Abuse is not an excuse to continue self destructive behaviors.

Forgiving the abused for irrational behavior is necessary often. It is hard to know when it moves into becoming an enabler. Telling your friend that you accept them as they are doesn’t mean that you want to see them continue down the path of self destruction. Buying them drugs or alcohol to ease their pain may seem like a friendly gesture, but it is destructive. Fueling an addiction isn’t the same as offering a shoulder to cry on or a sofa to crash on a bad night. Addicts don’t think like rational people. Those suffering from severe depression, anxiety, or PTSD from prolonged abuse are not thinking rationally during attacks of these disorders. I cannot tell you how to handle these situations because I am not qualified and everyone is different. What works for one person will not work for another. If you feel that your friend is a danger to themselves or others, it is up to you to take appropriate action.

People who appear to be completely together and in control. They are successful. They show absolutely no signs that they are in distress. These are people who may have been suffering quietly for a very long time and no one would know to look at them. The effects of abuse are not always obvious. You may not know who around you is suffering. I was very good at appearing to be doing well although my home life was horrific. We can’t save people, but we can listen. We can be observant. That person may not stay strong forever and when they do finally tell someone that they need help, I can only hope that they aren’t met with the line “What? You seem fine. I’m sure it isn’t that bad.” or a similar invalidating response which causes them to withdraw. Take it from me that at that point, you feel like no one cares. That it is true that no one will ever believe you. I have forgiven most people who dismissed my concerns and stuck up for my abusers. They didn’t know what was happening to me.

Forgiveness is a one way street. I forgive. I do not forget. I am not a victim.

Because I have forgiven the individuals who have hurt me by abusing me or leaving me to be abused, that doesn’t mean that I have welcomed them back into my life. I intend to continue to grow as a person. Maintaining relationships with abusers and enablers is unhealthy. I am not required to make them aware of my forgiveness. I am not required to invite them back into my life. It is not my responsibility to set their minds at ease over what they did to me or anyone else. They are fighting their own demons. They stopped being my friend the moment they decided to mistreat me. I intend to live my life in the present. I can only look forward at this point. Forgiveness has allowed me to sleep better and know a little less pain. Carrying hate in my heart was a painful endeavor. It caused me more pain than it ever hurt those that I hated. If they think of me, I hope they feel regret. I hope they feel remorse. I prefer that they never think of me at all.